I haven’t always loved words. Well, perhaps that’s not entirely true. I grew up a very vocal child, in every sense of the word. I was never short on tears and using my vocal chords to proclaim happiness and sadness, anger and confusion. But it wasn’t the words that mattered, it was the feeling behind the sounds.

I have dyslexia, and “alphabet soup” is an understatement for how words looked to me. I used to sit on the floor and scribble madly, I was writing a story; it didn’t matter if no one could read it, I knew it was there, I knew what it meant.

As I grew older and the cuteness of this habit lost its luster under the demand of education (don’t get me wrong, knowing how to read and write is a powerful skill I believe everyone deserves the right to), I would hurl books across the room, tears streaming down chubby red cheeks as I howled,

“ I HATE READING! IT’S DUMB AND STUPID AND I’LL NEVER DO IT! NO! NOT EVER!”

Now, I’ll happily sit on the couch and read until I’m cross eyed and the sun has set beyond the horizon. “Interrupt me at your own peril” could be my own personal motto.

I always laugh about this juxtaposition in myself. I used to swear up and down I’d never read and I didn’t care one hoot! Now, I’m a bit like Hermione smelling “fresh parchment” from the fumes of the love potion “Amortentia”.

Life can throw us so many curve balls, things we depended upon or counted on can be gone in an instant. I read a quote somewhere, not too long ago, that roughly stated, “It’s now about how many times you get knocked down, but how many times you get back up. That is what true strength is.”

Sometimes it can leave me feeling so lost, that feeling of constantly getting back up, constantly evolving and changing and growing... I wonder if an apple tree ever tires of growing apples? Perhaps that’s part of the beauty of being human, we are capable of change. Sure, it’s not always easy or pleasant, but we’re never stuck growing apples! How many people go to college and change their major half through? How many people go back to school? How many different phases of music have you gone through? How many hair styles or makeup trends. What kinds of books did you like to read, but slowly found yourself perusing new sections the older you got?

Here, I find myself twisting my hair, gazing out the window, and desperately trying to figure out what the point I’m trying to make is.

I guess...that’s one of the parts of being human; no matter what age we are, we are so sure of who we are, only we’ll often look back maybe not even a year later and suddenly we see we’ve changed so much

I personally find myself not held back from lack of ideas, but from the Fear of Failure. I wrote about it several years ago, but I keep coming back to it no matter how much time has passed. How many of you have experienced this? Knowing what you want to do, but being afraid of what will happen if you “fail”.

Wanting to audition for the role, but not because you’re afraid you might get it?

Wanting to cut your hair, but afraid others wont like it?

Wanting to write a book, change jobs, make new friends, start a new hobby, but being afraid you wont be good at it, you’ll embarrass yourself, you’ll get rejected.

How many times in your life have you turned your back on what you want because you were afraid?

“What if I fail? Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?” - Erin Hanson

“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”  - Norman Vincent Peale

That is what I struggle the most with, being afraid to be myself, for fear that others wont like who I am... what I have to say... and yet, I’m happiest when I’m dancing in the middle of the grocery store with my mumma, laughing our a**es off at what the security guards must be thinking.

I love looking at people who dress outside the norm, style their hair a little less “tamed”, envelope themselves in their culture even if it means they “stand out” “look odd” “don’t fit it”. I love faces that come together in beautiful array of unique and unusual features.

My Gods! How beautiful and inspiring it is to not worry if you make sense!

If this post can do anything... I hope it inspires you to try the thing you’re afraid to fail at. To be the person you’re afraid no one will like. Use your voice even if it shakes. Life is so short, too short to be anyone else but yourself.

“I used to think I was the strangest person in the world, but then I thought there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me, too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.” -Frida Kahlo

I sprinkle you with stardust,

~Bijan